Tuesday, May 28, 2013


I've never really known who I am. If there is one thing I do know about myself, that I have always known, is that I'm not a bad person. But I don't know if I'm a good person; I mean, I try. I know I don't intentionally do anything that isn't good. I can think I am whoever I want to be, but if that isn't who people think I am, it's not really who I am. I can say I never hurt people, but if someone is hurt by me, it completely wipes what I thought of myself.

Who I think I am, is directly related to how people think of me. It makes it harder that I never know what people think anyways. I'm always changing to be whoever everyone wants me to be. It sounds like a bad personality trait, but I do it because I know with my Aspergers, what I think isn't always what it actually is. I have a different perception than most people. So when I go to say something I don't think is rude, well most likely, it is.

My mind is constantly tossing around ideas; am I really good at my job, does that person actually like me, does my family think I'm crazy, am I a selfish person, am I a terrible friend, am I a good mother to my dogs, am I a good sister, am I functional enough to have a relationship, am I functional enough to have my job. All day every day, I compensate for the space between who I think I am, and who others think I am.  I'm running around trying to figure out what part of me I need to fix today. Working so hard trying to be everything I'm not, but what I want to be. Trying to be the person I would be without this disability. Feeling guilty every time I fall short.

I don't want to be the person everyone is just like, "that's okay she's just like that, she has Aspergers." I really don't think any one in my life actually gives me that luxury anyways. I say luxury, because it means who ever you are is okay to be. You'd be content, no one pushing you to be something you are not, everyone accepting of who you are. Most people tell me my Aspergers is an excuse. Maybe it is.

All I know is the wires to being a normal functioning person will never be connected. As long as they stay that way, knowing who I am is also a lost connection.