I feel like I absolutely need to get this off my
chest, one way or another, or I'll combust into a million pieces of confusion.
To start off, I've been estranged from my sperm donor of a father and his
family for over 7 years. And in those seven years, I've struggled, with a lot.
Part of it was just life, and growing up, but most of it was coming to terms
with what a father meant to me, why I didn't have one, and trying to understand
his extremely perturbed and demented mind.
The hardest part was wrapping my head around the
idea you could just leave your child behind, in the dark, not knowing if they
were happy, or homeless, or even dead. How you just carry on life as if your
"donation" you made had no long-term repercussions or effects. And then,
how you could do it two more times, to two more beautiful baby girls, with
nothing but love and affection in their hearts; just wanting a mother and a
father to feed them and bathe them, take them to school and tell them
everything is going to be alright. How you walk around living your life like
you are a good person, when all you do is go around literally ruining peoples
lives, not just one, not just two, not just three, but everyone around. When
you decided it would be a great idea to cheat on your wife dying of cancer, you
completely lost all of what makes you a human being. When you decided you were
blocking me on Facebook for telling her you were cheating and never talking to
me again, that's when you lost your left-overs of a heart. Your path of pure
destruction, your undeniable and disgusting selfishness, your lack of any
notion you have any humanity left inside of you. You are loveless, you have no
idea what the concept even is, you are alone and forever lost. You must be
empty inside, you must be hollow from your pulmonary artery to your soul...if
you have one. Laugh now while you can still keep your misery and guilt buried.
Yes, there might still be hate. But I've turned the
hate I had for him doing that to me, to hating him more to doing it to my two
sisters, my life and blood, My baby girls, and leaving me to
pick up your mess. My sweet darling baby girls, whom, thanks to you I couldn't
have a relationship with. I literally had to track down court records to find
one of my sisters mothers last name, to find her, to tell her I love her and I
haven't ever let her go. And my other sister, I'll never know, her mother hated
me and will do everything in her power to keep me away from her. Her hatred
coming from when I was 13, hatred of a child just trying to do her best to keep
alive.
The donor was so awesome, he didn't pay a single
dime to my mother for the first 15 years of my life. So when she went to court
to get the back child support, the back medical bills, the back "thanks
for taking care of my child I wanted nothing to do with"; I was given an
ultimatum, tell my mother to cancel the law suit, or never speak to donors side
of the family again. I was 15, may I remind you at the time, still a young
girl...one with no such power to demand that from my mother, nor would that
have been the right thing to do. They told me my mother was just being greedy,
and "how can she do that to your father after being so good to you and
trying his best. She tried to keep you away from him" they said, "She
wouldn't let us see you, and that’s why he was never around, he tried to be a
good father, and he did his best". Let's just call bs on this one, and I
think we won the whole dam game. That bloody bastard needed to pay my mother
every last dam cent he owed her, and so I made my choice.
It's been over seven years, a long and trying seven
years, to get to a place in my life where I know I have worth, I know that I
should be loved, and I know how I should be loved. Where I can love back, with
my entire heart and soul, and not be afraid I'm dating my image of my father.
I've come a million miles from who I was, and where I was. I'm okay with never
hearing his name again, I'm okay with him never knowing if I'm happy, or
homeless, or alive. And I'm okay never knowing the same about him, and that
goes for his enabling family as well.
So don't call me when you are in the hospital just
to hear from me 7 years later, as your last ditch effort not to enter the gates
of hell. I won't call you when I'm on my death bed, I won’t call you when I get
married, I won’t call you to come see your grandchildren, I won't call you at
all. I'll let you leave every awful, abusive, and disgusting thing you did, in
the past, where it belongs. That door is far closed, and it had to be, to
actually live a life. You do the same for me, if you could ever do anything for
me at all.
This isn't about forgiveness, there is nothing to forgive. What happened in the past is what happened. I was a child at the time, and I've had to live with your choices...and now you do too.
