Neurons

I've never really known who I am. If there is one thing I do know about myself, that I have always known, is that I'm not a bad person. But I don't know if I'm a good person; I mean, I try. I know I don't intentionally do anything that isn't good. I can think I am whoever I want to be, but if that isn't who people think I am, it's not really who I am. I can say I never hurt people, but if someone is hurt by me, it completely wipes what I thought of myself.

Who I think I am, is directly related to how people think of me. It makes it harder that I never know what people think anyways. I'm always changing to be whoever everyone wants me to be. It sounds like a bad personality trait, but I do it because I know with my Aspergers, what I think isn't always what it actually is. I have a different perception than most people. So when I go to say something I don't think is rude, well most likely, it is.

My mind is constantly tossing around ideas; am I really good at my job, does that person actually like me, does my family think I'm crazy, am I a selfish person, am I a terrible friend, am I a good mother to my dogs, am I a good sister, am I functional enough to have a relationship, am I functional enough to have my job. All day every day, I compensate for the space between who I think I am, and who others think I am.  I'm running around trying to figure out what part of me I need to fix today. Working so hard trying to be everything I'm not, but what I want to be. Trying to be the person I would be without this disability. Feeling guilty every time I fall short.

I don't want to be the person everyone is just like, "that's okay she's just like that, she has Aspergers." I really don't think any one in my life actually gives me that luxury anyways. I say luxury, because it means who ever you are is okay to be. You'd be content, no one pushing you to be something you are not, everyone accepting of who you are. Most people tell me my Aspergers is an excuse. Maybe it is.

All I know is the wires to being a normal functioning person will never be connected. As long as they stay that way, knowing who I am is also a lost connection.

New Balance

I'm a runner. I always have been. The gun goes off and I take to speed like I've never felt the wind before. But I don't mean like, putting two hundred dollar reebocks on so I can go run miles in the track at my country club. I run away like you run away from the creepy girl who wants to show you her pet bacteria; running up to you with her little petri dish full of pathogenetic microorganisms that live in stale water. The water probably contains Amoebiasis, and you don't have to let her get too close to tell.

If I ever felt like I didn't need to run, it was probably because things have been the same...for a very long time. Comfort has started to sneak it's way into life. You can hear the peace of the water, calm, silent. You find dust on your shelves, you don't have to think about what key you are grabbing to get inside the house, you just know.

But then, "BBAMM". The gun goes of and you take what you have on your back and you don't have to know where you are going, you just go. Change seems to be the reason behind the guns going off. But you don't have any reason yourself, so what are you even saying. It's the botulism taking a run at you, so you run faster.

You run until you can't run anymore, until your ankles collapse, until your mouth is so dry you are trying to block out the burning in the back of your throat, until your glands run out of fluid to produce sweat. And you are finally safe, and alone. And your alone. No running, no changes, no girl chasing after you with her petri dish. You have won and out run them all. And you are alone

In the sanity of yourself

Aspergers is a very lonely thing. Even if you have your family, or a friend, or a lover; you are always alone. Alone in your world, alone in your thoughts, alone in your feelings. My world has never seen or felt anyone else's world. And no one can come into mine.

Sometimes it's fine. Some days are okay. Some days leave the bottle empty. Sometimes days are good, sometimes I feel connected. Others I'm just empty, exhausted from the wars in my head. Too tired from feeling everything. Too tired of waiting. My brain stops working at overload. I'd rather be alone for ever than just waiting. So I stop, I stop finding things to wait for. Don't set timers when I cook, don't order delivery, don't call people and tell them to call me back. Stop calling people. Stop asking things. Don't assume anything.

Because even though I've given up, I'm still waiting. I can give up on you, but I can't give up on waiting. And when the waiting is finally over, I'm done with you.

I stay here in my hole, no matter what I told myself I would do. No matter how I wanted to get back at you.

Another glass of wine please.

It's hard enough. I already told you it was hard enough. I'll be here forever waiting for you if you keep me in your heart. Keep me just to get what I give you. I'll just continue to shake while you take take take. I'm not to good at forgiving, but I know I can't forget.

I can however, forget you.

Things You Think You Will Never Say

Sometimes you have everything to say, but no words to say it. That is how I feel. I feel a lot of things right now, like hurt, justified, sad, relieved. I sit wondering if I did the right thing, if my feelings have validity. Or if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.


I'm not sure if it's just my Aspergers, but I need to feel like everyone likes me. But more important to me is family.


I am having the hardest time talking about everything I feel. I don't even know why this effects me as much as it does. There are so many reasons why it won't work, and I'm not deluding myself into thinking it will. I stopped being a kid who falls in love and thinks the the bills will be paid with smiles. As much as my life as not been about religion, it seems to be the large influence on my anxiety levels, on my happiness. How do you tell someone how much it hurts you, when it hurts them more. How you can't live with that always hanging over your head. I stopped being a kid who falls in love thinking they can change someone. So the proof is in the pictures, people don't change. They don't stop everything they believe in so you can date someone. They don't stop wanting you to have their life, not yours. I can't, with sanity, always sit and wonder when they will make you leave. When you just give up the fight, because you will, I don't want to have to be the surrender. Every young person tries to defy the status quo to prove a point, it's just a phase of life. I don't want a battle, I don't want to give a choice; I'm not ready for the outcome.

It's more than how much my feelings are hurt. It's more than being constantly rejected. More than thinking I don't deserve to be put in situations that makes me feel like total shit. A lot of it is about not wanting you to sit through my pain, having to deal with me. That is who I am, I get upset about things like this, and I can't help it. I will always make you feel guilty without even meaning to. I will always be the place between a rock and a hard place. Always be the reason your parents think you are going to hell. I will always feel hated for nothing in my control, and I will always want that control thinking it's all my fault I'm hated. Not only feeling hated by them, but feeling hated by you for feeling the way that I do. The more I get upset, the guiltier I feel, and the guiltier I feel the more upset I become. I eat myself alive with all of the circles I put in my head.

You will never see how badly and to what extent this means to me. I don't want you to, because it would only put you in the middle more. It's not what I want, and yet there is nothing I can do. I have no options, and I'm so unhappy with the way things are. I don't like to be in the way, I will gladly move. I can't be the reason there are problems. I can't be the problem. And it's not fair for you to ask me to be.

The "R" Word

    Today on my drive to work, I did as I always do, listen to 91.5. It was News Hour from the BBC, broadcasting a special about the mentally retarded, autistics, and everything near or around that topic. Apparently in response to some celebrities tweet calling Barack Obama a "retard". The guest star was a young man with down syndrome, and a few callers with children who have Autism. Story set, now on to what I'm writing about.

   I have no problem with the word retarded. I don't say this to offend anyone, I just don't find anything wrong with it, (I will explain why), I even use it myself...sometimes. I have a few points about why I don't think this word is "offensive" or misused. One of them requires an explanation of what one of the mothers said as a guest caller on the radio station. 

   One of the callers said her son had Autism, and didn't specify, it wasn't Aspergers, but a low functioning form. The host of the show asked her, "And your son, does he understand...or should I say feel the hurt behind words being used like this?" her response set me in to a fury. She said that no, he thinks all people are good, so I have to let him know who the "bad" people are. She said there was a neighbor that made a remark about him having Autism, so she had to inform him that he was a bad man, and he couldn't speak to him anymore. She said, every time someone says something negative about his condition, she will let him know why it's so bad, and why he shouldn't like people like that. The host responded, "What does he think about being Autistic?" She replied, "He thinks it's really cool, he thinks it's a good thing." 

   I was shocked. I was even more appalled, that this ignorant lady was offended and associated her son with the word retard. Yes, in the dictionary meaning retard means somewhat not up to par with what is "normal", but for you to sit there and be upset that someone used the word retard to offend someone, only means that you yourself, think your son is a retard. Even from what you said on the radio, your son absolutely does not think he is, and is more than content in believing that this world can be good, without the crazy negative thoughts you fill his head with. I'm ashamed of that lady, for always telling him people are bad. I can't even begin there, it just makes me so angry. The only reason I feel sorry for him, is because he has a mother like that. 

   Another reason I don't feel this word is offensive, is because we (Autistic community) say offensive things all the time. We have all been in the place where we realize maybe we shouldn't have said that because it hurt someone (or everyones) feelings. I'm (having AS) the last person to tell someone they are offensive. I probably offended someone today, maybe while you are reading this. So what, it happens every day. To be mean to a person for something they said, so publicly and with so much anger, is exactly what we don't want happening to us. 

   And the last, I don't believe in being PC, maybe because I have Aspergers, I don't know. I don't want all this negativity around words we can and cannot use. By the time I'm 30 I'm going to have to carry around a book filled with just words I can't use. No thanks. I do want you to know, that no matter what words I use, or how you think I use them I do have a good heart, and never meant any harm. I also believe that the world is good, and we can all learn to hear the meaning of a person before we hear the anger in ourselves. 

Behaviors Dream Board

You know The Secret? Where you post all of your goals and aspirations on a board, and eventually, if you want it enough, everything comes true. Just by the cosmic evolution of humanity.

Well on my drive home tonight, I was thinking maybe, just maybe, if I sat here and typed out all the things I wanted to be in life, someday, somehow it would happen. One wise person once told me, that everything I stress about and have to do, to write it all down and stop letting it kill my brain cells worrying about everything all day. So I took a few minutes, and wrote down everything I had to do, everything that was stressing me out. Once I did that, everything instantly went from my head, to the document, and just like that all the stress fell away.

Now I'm going down this roll, I'm going to post all the things I don't want to be. Hopefully, that will solve my problems of being afraid to be a bad person. So here we go.

I want:
To be unafraid to go out in public and speak with people
To be a loving, caring, compassionate person
To be good at my job
To have the patience to deal with people that frustrate me
To be able to fall asleep at night
To stop yelling at people just because I'm mad
To stop getting mad at people for stupid reasons
To spend more time out doing things than in my bedroom
Somehow make people like me and want to be my friend
Learn how to get to know someone
Gain the confidence I know I have somewhere in me
To be able to communicate with the people I love correctly
To be able to do everything on my own
To solve everyones problems
For everyone to let me solve their problems
To finnish school without panic attacks
To learn to love without conditions

To be able to learn without filters or boundaries
Learn to take criticism


I don't want:
To be selfish the rest of my life
To hurt other people by my selfishness
To be just like my family
To end up alone because no one can deal with me for long
People to hate me
People to feel unloved
People to suffer because of me
People to think I did more bad than good
To go nowhere in life
My children to hate me because I didn't want to learn how to make them happy
To be a bitter old person because I hate what I did with my life
To feel like I wasted any time
People to think I'm someone I'm not
To be a liar
An average life

I'm sure there is more. But I just sat here for an hour and couldn't think of anything else. So maybe I'll be adding more to it later.

Understanding Priorities

  Being told you are the last priority in someones life is always hard. But what if it's the person you live with, the person who is suppose to be there for you the most important times. The person who says they love you till the ends of the earth. But you learn you are only the priority from 8pm to 8:51 instead of the end of the word.

It's a heart shrinking experience. And while you would like to have all the maturity and knowledge in the word to get you through this moment in life, all you have to think about is that you are forever the last priority in their lives. You can give all the hours in the world, give job opportunities, stay up late, wake up early, clean, work, and you would still forever give as many as humanly possible to him.

It's just that, if you are not the one putting yourself first, no one is. This is the world we live in. Where computers are the priority over making someone feel happy for a moment. You are the only one who will put you first in their life. And if you are not the one, if you give that privilege to someone else they might have you come in second or third, or even last. Making the hour between 10:40 and 11:35 time for you in someone else's world, you probably don't have time for someone like that in your world.