An Aspie View On Recent Events

First Chick-Fil-A; because it's most current on my mind.

           "I think we are inviting God's judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at Him and say, 'We know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage,' and I pray God's mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant attitude to think that we have the audacity to try to redefine what marriage is about," Dan Cathy Chick-Fil-A President

Opinions are opinions, they are not fact, they are not a figment of an imagination. Everyone has them, few people know others. I respect that I can not change your opinion, I know I can't change your beliefs, and that's okay. When you use religion to be hateful, it only looks bad on you. A public announcement stating you think arrogance is behind your orientation is hateful. Yes, the Mormon church publicly states what they do and do not support all the time. For a company, a national company to state animosity towards a large part of the American people, is just irresponsible. 

We all know there are many in this world who are against gay marriage, yes yes; you made your self very clear, we heard you. But the thing is, most of us don't hate you for feeling that way. How could that be, why? Because we all know how awful it is to feel hated, we empathize. We don't judge you, or call you names, or talk about you like you are the lowest piece of low. We don't have the audacity to think that the ignorance of hate can make us feel any better. 

I don't write this article from hate. I write to help you feel the love we share with everyone. I am not gay, I just stand for people who love all before anything else. Isn't that what the bible is suppose to teach anyways? 

Asking For Help Is Hard Enough

If you have Aspergers, you know, just as the sure as you know the world spins round, that it is hard enough to ask for help. But even harder to talk about "feelings". Sometimes I like to pretend I don't even have them.

Close your eyes, take a deep breath. And when your eyes open again, you have no idea what crazy thing you were about to say. Actually, you do have an idea, you know exactly. But the thought of telling someone just what was making you want to pound rocks into diamonds, (because with all of that frustration you feel like you could really do that), makes you want to freeze into an ice cube.

The thought of trying to form an expression of how you feel, impossible. Finding words to match those puzzle pieces NT's call feelings, inconceivable.  Hard enough.

That is why....that is why when you are not heard, it is entirely breaking. I become entirely broken. Don't sit there, and tell me you have any idea you know what I feel. I am who I am because I feel differently from you. I don't say it, and I don't talk about it, but I feel things more. It hurts in a completely new place inside me because I can't say anything about it. I can't tell you what sits and stews in my head.

It's hard enough, and if you think you don't hurt me enough, you did.

What reason do I have?

I have no way of telling you how I feel. So I say everything else just to try and get you to look at me. And I would never tell you I needed you, because there is nothing in me to make me say it. I can't ask for it, because I don't know what to ask for. And I don't know what I want from it, I just know this isn't it. I take a hundred steps back, only thinking that you took a thousand. Because I don't want to be the one so far from the finnish line, I have to make myself look like I'm feeling just as mean as you.  How could I make myself look so foolish to tell you I still want you here, when you are already gone.

I'm so lost running circles, I get so nauseous. I forget which way the door is, and I've no idea how to get out of my head. If you want to spend as little time with me as possible, okay that is fine with me, I will avoid you too. I hate myself, and I drive myself crazy just trying to follow your lines. I just wind up a mess, that I can't put back together again. It will always be this way, and I will always be different from you. This is why it is always better to be alone, then to always be hurting you.

Aspergers and Friends

What an oxymoron that is, Aspergers and friends. I'm going to be cynical when I talk about this, because it's been completely devastating to my life, and I see no way for anything to ever change. Unless a "cure" for social amnesia for Aspergers was found. I do have to say that throughout my life I have been able to keep a few friends, and they are; my mother, my grandmother, my dog Lola, my dog Wilson, and a very distant friendship with a woman almost twice my age. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with those select few people (okay and dogs), and I adore them and love them with all my heart, but my heart feels a loss.

I see people around me, meet people all over. In college I only met and spoke with one person. Whom I went to a small concert with and saw once more after our class together was over. I've always had brief friends, for a month or a few. I've always been too selfish for someone, other than family, to deal with me. I feel bad for it, but really I don't know any other way to communicate with people. In fact, when making friends I discovered that you have to have things in common with them and enjoy the same things; so I'd always over compensate and only ever talk about things they did too, and mostly about myself.

I will always have to accept meeting new people will never come easy to me. I will never have the qualities it takes to keep a friend. And despite my desperate and best efforts, I'll always be the one at home alone. I also don't blame my family for never inviting me places, I'm picky, I'm a hassle, and if something goes wrong in the plans I freak. If I get the wrong chair in the restaurant I want to leave, if it is past a certain time I need to go to the next place or leave, I can't be in places with loud music or strange smells, or if they are too crowded. Why ever would anyone want to take me anywhere?

It's a lonely life indeed. As far as I have ever known, there is no way to change this. It's the only part of myself I wish was different. Or at the very least, that I wasn't so fearful. I wish I didn't care about making an ass out of myself trying to talk to a stranger. I wish I didn't care that I stuttered, and leaped to find words. I would just go out there and just start talking to random people, they would like me and invite me to do things. I would be easy going, and friendly and outgoing, and think of fun things to say and do. That will never be me. That perhaps that is the only reason I want to have a child, someone who is always there smiling, shining light on my day. Even if when they are a teenager they yell they hate me. I have a while to keep them next to me at all times.

I don't know, what are your thoughts?

And we are the fourth glass deep

Sometimes you just want to feel like someone gets your feelings. You, for one second, want to think that someone else in this world shares what you feel. It's those moments when you wake up, you know that no matter where you are, or where they are, it will always be a gamble. When you think in that moment that you feel so emotionally entwined with them, you could be theirs forever.

I don't particularly like valentines day, most of the time I don't even know how to spell it. I don't like making a big deal out of it, mostly because I am a girl and I hate when other people make plans (I hate not knowing whats going on). And even when I do take over and make my own plans, because of TONS of other people out for valentines day, I would just rather be at home. So I have never really been one for the movie and dinner night followed or pre-followed with flowers (I don't even like flowers, they die) and chocolate (I am allergic to sugar). I did, however, make myself sugar-free red velvet cupcakes this year.

As, this is how I am, and this is how I stand, I feel in someway in titled to say I am not one of those girls who demands from their loved ones the standard, flowers, chocolate, movie, and expensive dinner. I prefer to pick some place silly and nonchalant.

This year, and the only year I even care to venture out of the house, I pick In-N-Out. Thinking that maybe my crazy aspie ways will buy me credit with him. I don't demand to be taken out to some nice dinner, I really don't care about presents, about any expensive things or even cheep things. We have fun, but I get upset with because I try and be funny. I try and throw ice-cream on him, I laugh. He gets upset. And my even more aspie ways, I try and be even more funny by trying to throw ice on him on the way inside the house.

I realize sooner than later, I could never be appreciated. It's just me who thinks this. I am, and always will be alone. I realize you are too young to really know what is going on. That you have never really known what it's like to be in love. And some day when you do, it won't be me who will reap the love.

Being Let Down

I think for anyone in this world, it's hard to be let down. But I think for people with Aspergers it's 100 times worse. We have already planned you in our day, you fit in-between 7:16 and 8:44, you mess that up and we are already in for an anxiety attack. Second, it's so hard to tell when people are being honest with you. You just have to assume as you live your day to day life, that people are not playing you like a ping pong table. You have to assume that when your father says that he wants to see you for the first time this year, and that he is coming to pick you up at noon, that he will just as sure as the sun came up that day at 7:46, he will be there. But he doesn't show up, and you sit at the window looking for the next 7 hours getting exited at every car that passes by, because it might just be his. You have to assume that when he calls three weeks later, he really was sorry, because you can't tell.

I've always been a stickler on time, I already have a time I need to leave twelve hours before it's time to think about leaving. And yes, I have a time when it's 'time to think about leaving'. I have a time to put on my shoes, and if I'm too quick I have to wait until it's time to grab my keys. And I time how long it takes me to get out of my gate, it's about 85 seconds; but that is when I go over the speed bumps at 17 miles per hour. But that is only after I started the car, and am backing out. If you count the time it takes to lock the door and take the steps to the car it's another 47 seconds, assuming I lock it correctly. Don't mess with my time.

It's been the hardest times in my life when I learn that people who are suppose to be close to me are actually not even trying to be my friend in the first place. Like when you try so hard to be someones friend, and you take weeks and sometimes months learning their facial expressions, and what they like to do, and what seems to make them mad, and they turn around do something so mean to you and say you were never friends in the first place. I hate having girl friends for this.

I melt, I melt so far down, I don't get back up again for a while. It's like you took the very ground I was walking on and shook it like a rug, pulled it out from under me, and created a black hole I fell into when I was falling on my ass. And in that black hole, I'm freaking out; I have no idea how to find myself. I don't know where I am going, and all I can think to do is let that black hole take me.

What is it like for you?

Growing to Love Being You

I love myself, I have enough confidence in myself than most have in a life time. But there are times when it hits me, and it hits me like lava into the ocean. Full force, with all the commotion. That I'm not normal, I may never be able to have friends, lasting friends, friends that 'get me'. I will never be on the inside of the 'social hub', I will never be the cool one who follows the trends. I will always be weird about what lights I buy for my house, and never use my kitchen light because it's fluorescent. I will always wear rings only on certain fingers cause it feels weird on others. I will always be insecure and flustered when I go to the grocery store. In fact, side note, you know those things they put on race horses so the horses don't get distracted or stressed and can only look forward, I need one of those. I will always say "what" even though I heard you I just can't understand you. I will always have to drink to feel like I can say something in a group setting. I will always have to down a bottle of wine to tell you my true feelings, try to get out what I really mean to say. I might always collect owls, even though I know some of it is immature and it's probably not a 'cool' thing to have a million owl decorations in your house. I will always need a 'time out' when I am mad, unless you want me to yell at walls and curse at you and kick doors. [Poor house, I know!]


I feel insecure about these things. And before I knew I had AS, I always felt like a dumb ass for doing these things even though I do find myself a mature person. I always felt horrible about myself for never having friends, and I always thought something was wrong with me. People ask me why I label myself, why I can't just accept how I am without calling it Aspergers. It sounds wrong, but it makes me feel better about who I am. Like I am not just an idiot who needs to be locked in a white room the rest of my life. I consider myself very smart, I have a very high IQ and I just know I'm not stupid. So why do I do these childish things? Without much control, with no regard for other people's feelings, why I always was seen as a 'mean' person when I felt like I had only done my best to be nice.

It's given me a place to be, in comfort. With other people like myself, I don't have to feel so guilty all the time. I can tell myself it's okay that I don't like to be in crowded situations. I can now be comfortable in crowds as long as I have someone really close to me there too. Somethings I can change, now that I know I have Aspergers; other things I can't change, at least I don't disgust myself anymore.

Things get better as you grow older. It makes it easier if you have a support group with you, and people who know the condition and can be open with you about how they feel.