What it said

Sometimes you are lucky, sometimes you are not. Sometimes you work really hard for something you never get.

Sometimes I'm insensitive, and blind at the same time. I try my best to learn from my mistakes, but quite often I've had to make them all over again. I can't say I'm entirely secure with who I am, because I don't feel in the past I've been everything I could have been.

I'm a chalk board, ready for erasing, starting over, creating something new. Is it terrible to say I don't really know who I am quite yet? I think I can be better. I think I can be stronger, wiser, and more clever. I could be more kind if I tried, and I'd like to be a little tougher.

So no, I'm not done growing, not done changing. I will always try to be a better person than I was the day before. Will that always work? Probably not. My temper gets lost in emotions, my mind gets lost in sadness, and my heart gets lost in the moment.

I'm not sure how to stop dragging the guilt and remorse I have for past mistakes around with me. Maybe I don't need to, maybe it makes me the person I am. I can't make someone forgive me, can't make them love me. I have to be content with my guilt, or else I won't ever be content at all.

It's dangerous you know, the in flight fall.
The waiting for impact
Not wondering if it's going to happen,
but when
My sense of self is a slight memory
Nothing this perfect can last forever
so you just wait, wait for immanent death
You were grown to think this way,
you where born in a world where true love is hard
it's hard and it's complicated
it's sacrifice
and it's pain

Nothing good in life comes easy

So you sit waiting for the plane to hit the ground
You hold on for dear life,
and remember everything good
Everything up until now was just waiting

Nothing good in life lasts

So you sit waiting for the plane to hit the ground
I bet I will wake up
I'll wake up and realize I never left my bed
It's dangerous you know, living in your dreams.
You don't want to be woken up,
but fear with everything in you, that you might have to
Conditioned that you never get everything you want

Beggars can't be choosers

So you sit waiting for the plane to hit the ground
Could it be possible it never does?
Can you get everything you want?
Why does it have to feel doomed before it even began
And why do we run when we don't really know what we fear
It's dangerous you know,
fear

This

A thousand days feels like one moment with you. Life took a million times a million years, in that regard, to find you. It's just about the same as if I had just dreamed about everything that could make me happy...and then multiplied it a thousand times over.

Never [have I ever] thought these feelings existed at all, (put one finger down). Never [have I ever] thought these nonexistent feelings could happen to me, (second finger down). Never [have I ever] felt more then ever thought possible, (third finger down). Eventually I'm the first one with all fingers down.

It's a little bit difficult to discuss what took me to this place in life. All I know is I'm here, and now I know. Now I know why it takes your breath away, now I know how it stops your heart. I didn't understand before, I never got it. But I do now...I do and it's something I can't put into words.

I'm not sure anything could happen that would make me stop the world I'm spinning in now.

In other words

I run a restaurant, a restaurant with my family. My hands have heat blisters on them often from working the line. I put in 12-14 hour days, 7 (sometimes thankfully 6) days a week. I deal with customers, I deal with employees. I have a million dollars on the line, and plenty more after to worry about loosing...like everything I own. I have three hungry, slobbery, attention needing dogs at home...not to mention a house to take care of. The list goes on

Let's just say...pressure...stress? No biggie. I can put a lot on my plate, and [possibly] not loose my mind. To say whether it's been lost or not already is the question. Anyways, the hardest and most terrifying thing I will ever have to do is fall in love. It's the easiest and hardest thing, all at once, a million miles an hour.

Time to catch your breath? Forget it. A feeling that you may not crash and burn? Nope, no mercy. The feeling of your stomach not being filled with bugs? Don't even think about it. The notion your feet are on the ground? Haha, cute. But Happiness? You bet. An overwhelming feeling of complete content? Yep. Smiling all the time, for no reason other than reading a funny text two days ago? Okay yeah...a lot of that.

It's hard for us as humans to admit our real feelings. I've thought about this a lot, being a psy major, why the biggest human flaw is not being honest, with yourself or anyone else. Fear of being recognized as a real person, with feelings. NO WAY! Can't be one of those!

We would rather do things that make us feel terrible than to do something that makes us happy. Take someone who is addicted to drugs or alcohol for a second. They drink or whatever because they are sad, and whether they admit it or not their addiction makes it worse, not better. But in order to get over addiction, they need to do things that make them feel good about life. Taking a nice hike, finding passions, finding love. Do they want to do those things? Of course not. Falling in love scares everyone, even the best. Or it's possible it's just the falling out of love that scares everyone, but inevitably that causes falling in love to be scary as well. Every person you meet you will either know forever, or you will part ways...there is no other option.

This is turning into a rant. Me for one? I'll pick being happy, I will pick being happy over being hurt in the past, and I will pick you...every time.

Sometimes life isn't what you expect. There are those times where life doesn't meet your expectations, but this isn't one of those times.

Sometimes your life can change in a moment, and sometimes a moment can change your life. You don't know how you know, you just do. Like the time you met your best friend. You didn't know you were looking, but your found him. You found him, and you fell in love with him, all you had to do was look at him and know you would never be without him. He's Oak, he's your great dane mastiff, and you haven't known a love so unconditional.

It was never hard for me to believe everything happens for a reason. Everything has always had a purpose. And purpose has always been a part of life.

The Whale

Sitting here trying to write
all these ideas spinning in my head
all these feelings in my mind

not quite sure what to do
because I don't know what exactly I've done

sometimes we just like things because they are beautiful
and sometimes we like things because they make us miserable
like that song you put on even though you know you will cry
peeling a scab you know will bleed

just don't ever claim you don't like pain

don't ever claim it was happiness you were looking for
you know like I do it wasn't

the bottle of wine you got years ago for your birthday
the one you have been waiting to open
probably a special occasion,
but it didn't even have to be special
you open it
and it is terrible
it wasn't good to the one who waited
it tastes like shit

you can blame anything you want to
the dirt in which the grapes where grown
the barrel in which it was matured
the glass
yourself

I'd go with blaming yourself
it's your best bet

you are a guilty person
and you should be

you held out thinking it was going to be better with time
maybe it will

the only thing you know now
is life goes on

What Day Is It?

Sometimes it is best to stay in the dark, pull the sheets over your head, and not pay attention to the world moving 700-900 miles an hour and that's if you are in the mid-latitudes. But you probably are, so don't worry about it getting to 1,000 mph.

How many seconds does it take you after waking up to realize your dream wasn't a reality? Does that very from person to person? Or do we all have a set number of seconds before we wake up and realize we are exactly where we were when we went to sleep. How many "w's" can I fit in one sentence?

All of this has a point, or at least I think it does. It's obvious I am trying to say that I let my self rest. I stayed in one place far too long. Now my feet are asleep and I don't move them because it feels like a thousand pricks. My back hurts from the way I am laying, because I've been in that position for too long. Do my eyes even open anymore? And it's obvious I'm not actually talking about sleep. I'm not even talking about laying down.

There is too much fear of not knowing what is going to happen the next day. It is better just to stay here.
No, no it is not better it is comfortable; even though it's painful.
I'm never really sure why I'm not moving.
You probably think with an issue like this I should know why I'm not moving. Well, I don't and I probably couldn't tell you if you spoke directly to my brain. You might have better luck asking my heart, but you will need that luck. My brain is trying to take me somewhere else, rationalizing every single detail. It is good to have a brain, better if it knows how to rationalize. It's sometimes just a pain to know why you need to open your eyes but you still can't.

Count to 1,000 and open them. Okay