Midnight Hour

It's the end of the road, it's cold and I'm alone. I'm not quite sure how I got here, so I'm not sure how to turn around and go back. Where would I even go back to? I don't know how to fix things that I wasn't sure that they broken in the first place.

There was a moment I knew where I started, but I'm not sure I was ever really even there. Not sure when it became something else. What do I even know at all?

I don't know.

I do know that I'm not fond of where I am now, on this road that ended. I tried so hard to keep it, keep the road going, trying not to make a wrong turn. I thought I knew all the answers, I thought I had it all figured out for me, turns out I have more questions than I have answers. If I knew the truth, I would tell you.

I don't know.

I'm sort of so used to being unhappy, I always find myself there, if I wanted it or not. My stomach turns at sour thoughts, at past memories. I got myself here, even if I don't know how, and I feel like I have to keep trucking on. I'm so lost, I don't even know if I'm driving anymore. Take the wheel, find my heart, take me where I want to go. Tell me you love me, hold me, and tell me everything will be okay. Tell me I'm crazy for being unhappy, tell me I don't have to be. Say anything, tell me anything, tell me what to do. I need you there, and I reach out and touch nothing. Take my hand, that's all I want.

I don't think I'll get what I want, I don't think what I'm looking for is there. It breaks me

23 1/2 years

I feel like I absolutely need to get this off my chest, one way or another, or I'll combust into a million pieces of confusion. To start off, I've been estranged from my sperm donor of a father and his family for over 7 years. And in those seven years, I've struggled, with a lot. Part of it was just life, and growing up, but most of it was coming to terms with what a father meant to me, why I didn't have one, and trying to understand his extremely perturbed and demented mind. 

The hardest part was wrapping my head around the idea you could just leave your child behind, in the dark, not knowing if they were happy, or homeless, or even dead. How you just carry on life as if your "donation" you made had no long-term repercussions or effects. And then, how you could do it two more times, to two more beautiful baby girls, with nothing but love and affection in their hearts; just wanting a mother and a father to feed them and bathe them, take them to school and tell them everything is going to be alright. How you walk around living your life like you are a good person, when all you do is go around literally ruining peoples lives, not just one, not just two, not just three, but everyone around. When you decided it would be a great idea to cheat on your wife dying of cancer, you completely lost all of what makes you a human being. When you decided you were blocking me on Facebook for telling her you were cheating and never talking to me again, that's when you lost your left-overs of a heart. Your path of pure destruction, your undeniable and disgusting selfishness, your lack of any notion you have any humanity left inside of you. You are loveless, you have no idea what the concept even is, you are alone and forever lost. You must be empty inside, you must be hollow from your pulmonary artery to your soul...if you have one. Laugh now while you can still keep your misery and guilt buried.  

Yes, there might still be hate. But I've turned the hate I had for him doing that to me, to hating him more to doing it to my two sisters, my life and blood, My baby girls, and leaving me to pick up your mess. My sweet darling baby girls, whom, thanks to you I couldn't have a relationship with. I literally had to track down court records to find one of my sisters mothers last name, to find her, to tell her I love her and I haven't ever let her go. And my other sister, I'll never know, her mother hated me and will do everything in her power to keep me away from her. Her hatred coming from when I was 13, hatred of a child just trying to do her best to keep alive. 

The donor was so awesome, he didn't pay a single dime to my mother for the first 15 years of my life. So when she went to court to get the back child support, the back medical bills, the back "thanks for taking care of my child I wanted nothing to do with"; I was given an ultimatum, tell my mother to cancel the law suit, or never speak to donors side of the family again. I was 15, may I remind you at the time, still a young girl...one with no such power to demand that from my mother, nor would that have been the right thing to do. They told me my mother was just being greedy, and "how can she do that to your father after being so good to you and trying his best. She tried to keep you away from him" they said, "She wouldn't let us see you, and that’s why he was never around, he tried to be a good father, and he did his best". Let's just call bs on this one, and I think we won the whole dam game. That bloody bastard needed to pay my mother every last dam cent he owed her, and so I made my choice. 

It's been over seven years, a long and trying seven years, to get to a place in my life where I know I have worth, I know that I should be loved, and I know how I should be loved. Where I can love back, with my entire heart and soul, and not be afraid I'm dating my image of my father. I've come a million miles from who I was, and where I was. I'm okay with never hearing his name again, I'm okay with him never knowing if I'm happy, or homeless, or alive. And I'm okay never knowing the same about him, and that goes for his enabling family as well. 

So don't call me when you are in the hospital just to hear from me 7 years later, as your last ditch effort not to enter the gates of hell. I won't call you when I'm on my death bed, I won’t call you when I get married, I won’t call you to come see your grandchildren, I won't call you at all. I'll let you leave every awful, abusive, and disgusting thing you did, in the past, where it belongs. That door is far closed, and it had to be, to actually live a life. You do the same for me, if you could ever do anything for me at all. 

This isn't about forgiveness, there is nothing to forgive. What happened in the past is what happened. I was a child at the time, and I've had to live with your choices...and now you do too. 

The Keys

Sometimes you just have to sit, maybe in your car, maybe at midnight with a glass of wine. Just sitting there, thinking about your life, why you got to this point, and where to go from here. Where do I go from here?

I get so lost, the trail far behind me. Sometimes I get so stuck. How did I get here? You got what you wanted, but this isn't really what you asked for. You can't look back, there is no where back to go. Your pride is so much of who you are, it defines your very actions. You've lost so much along the way, and you don't have much to account for now. Nothing more than broken hearts, and people left in the dust.

You died, because you where alone, but in fact you were never alone at all. You had everyone, and you had me, you always knew you had me. It never changed, I was always there, and you knew it, you knew that and you still were  so alone...so alone you had to leave us all. I should have given you a reason to stay, but I didn't know. I didn't know anything, though the signs where there.

I'm kept in tiny little boxes, such as a metaphor to my life. Put me in a box I stay there, it's the very foundation of my being, I put myself in a box. It's a cozy box, it keeps me at bay. I try so hard to remove myself from it, but no matter the distance I travel or the walls I change, it's still my box. I can't every leave even if it was the break of me.

You keep me in my box, physically shoving me in it. Closing the doors. Sometimes I'll forget about my box, and then you come and open the door, just to close it on me. Just to make it that much more noticeable I can never leave.

Choices

If being happy is a choice, I don't feel like I'm good at making choices lately. It seems strange to ignore the fact my relationship is changing, and growing out of the honeymoon phase. It's not fun anymore, you have to force it. Put a drink and a good location and it can be done....sometimes. He doesn't randomly let you know he loves you. Doesn't go out of his way to make your day. And if you are lucky, you won't fight. Lucky if you don't think the your world as you know it is slowly leaving.

You don't wake up to being held anymore, knowing the day is going to be fine just simply because he's there. Reality, is just that it is real life. To think you can live in fantasy every day for the rest of our life is absurd. You can pretend everything is okay all you want. It doesn't change anything.

It's a feeling of being somewhat cheated. You didn't call the bluff, and now your all in, about to loose the game, or just give up while you are still standing. You fell for something that wasn't there.

Now are you going to choose happiness? Being content with the change? It's a choice now, one you don't make a good bargain for. But I've come this far, and a lot more to loose than gain at this moment. It isn't the worst I've ever had...but doubtedly the best. And I'm one for striving

It's september

I was feeling tired. I was feeling under appreciated. And while I looked back at the start of our relationship, I see how much effort was put into it. How he picked me up on our first date, how we talked for hours, and laughed about every thing. How he texted me just to tell me nice things, things that made my day. How he made me feel like no one else in the world. How he brought me flowers, and surprised me constantly.

Every day I wake up, I want to do something for him, something to make his day. Something as simple as reaching out my had to pour more whisky. Making sure dinner is ready when he is home. Sending him notes at work. Making sure I have enough money to cover the bills. The list doesn't end, and it lengthens every day.

I don't feel compensated. Although I know I shouldn't be looking for it. But when you feel like your on a ship and only one side has all the cargo, when you are walking up to the other side and keep slipping down, down to all the weight the ship holds.

It's easy, in a way, to claim to feel unloved, knowing that isn't the case. Can I logically say I don't feel swept off my feet? Yes. Do I feel like I create these problems in my head, making them seem worse than they really are. My boat is not, in fact, sinking. Do I feel things could be done to make the situation a tad better? Of course.

When everything is perfect, and there are no surprises, and you are perfectly content having it be this way forever and always...and then it's not. You had promised you wouldn't change, but maybe the person I fell in love with, wasn't even you at all.

Today isn't a good day, feelings wise, for me. I'm lost and a little confused by my own thoughts and feelings. I want to feel comforted and consoled, and I'm not finding that.

May Second

As I approach a time in life where marriage is not only an option, it's a soon to be inevitable action, I thought perhaps putting some brain power into the idea was, well a good idea.

First off, what is marriage? Second, how will it be effected by my aspergers. Third, and most important, will it make me happy until my dying breath.

Third, perhaps not all the time, but I can work with that. I think one of the more important parts of a relationship is learning how to have a disagreement, or a bad day, without having a fight. While many would say I'm very independent, and for the most part emotionless, it's not all that true. Lot's of emotions all at once, especially bad ones, usually are a huge negative impact on my mood, sometimes my day, and even longer than a week. A bad fight in a relationship I don't feel is very strong, is quite often the end of it. That being said, I've only ever had about two relationships I do feel stable and comfortable in my life. One of them, I let get too far, without pulling back and taking a much needed step out of.

A good marriage for me, would be able to work out issues with both parties satisfied, feeling loved, and ultimately ending in a situation than was better than before. Without that factor, I'd constantly be unhappy, unsatisfied, and asking myself why I got married to this person in the first place. It's a type of security to me, and in a sense where I find my happiness. I could just as easily avoid fights all together by not being with anyone at all, so it's usually my 'go-to' answer. Marriage would feel in a way, like being trapped, into this commitment where avoiding fights by being alone isn't an option. It's where my happiness depends on my interactions with this other being, and it isn't just about me and my feelings, and what I want.

Going in reverse, second, my aspergers. This makes "third" more difficult. It took me many years in life to be at a point where human relationships are even a possibility. But I'm a fast learner, and I catch on. Taking psy classes where helpful, and learning and reading more about aspergers and human interaction helped. If you knew me 7 years ago, you wouldn't know who I am now. Putting myself in your situation, and understanding how what I did hurt you? That wasn't me. Not that I wouldn't feel bad, I just wouldn't feel like it was my fault. And I still to this day, have a saying in my mind where if I didn't hurt someone on purpose it's not my fault, but I know it shouldn't mean I didn't do anything wrong at all. Do I feel I'm far enough along in life to be in a healthy marriage? Honestly, not really. I'm not sure if it's my nerves talking, or if I really mean that. But I'll never know unless I work really hard at it. And I've always been the type of person to learn by doing, and I know that with love, real love, I can.

Which brings me to my first question, what is marriage. More specifically, what is marriage to me, what am I expecting from it, and what do I want it to be. To most people marriage is a diamond ring, a wedding, children, and a home to put your christmas tree in. Marriage isn't a soft topic for me, it's not a time of year, the biggest day of your life, having a baby, it's not even about me at all. When I think of marriage, I think of what life is like in 20-30-40 years, and am I happy? What is going to happen between the space of now, and 35 years from now? What is every day waking up to the same person going to be like? And will my love change and fluctuate, can we deal with that? Could I see myself being homeless with this person? Could I see myself being incredibly rich with them? What do the bad days look like? And most important, is he going to love me every single moment, of every single day, of every year, for the next....50 years? If there was ever a reason for him to stop loving me, what's that reason?

You always hear about married couples saying the love just died. How did it get there? What happened from the moment you decided to spend the rest of your life with this person, to now deciding that is exactly opposite of what you wanted. How may of those people look back and actually regret being divorced but just can't admit it? How many wished they would have tried harder? And devils advocate, how many people who have been married for 40 years wish they would have left along time ago?

What makes marriage, literally marriage? Is it the paper you sign? Is it the pact to love each other forever with a get-out-of-jail-free card? You can ask 40 different people, and I bet they would all have a different answer.

I think you have to start by asking, is this the life you want always? Would I be content never being extremely wealthy? Are my life goals aligned with his? Do we enjoy the same things? Does only one of you want children, and in that case, does age really matter? Because the life you build together is the very foundation of your marriage in the first place. And if a key factor isn't aligned, you are already off to a bad start. Hard things to talk about right?        

And none of these notions seem romantic, but hard to argue illogical.

You put on your dress, you tell everyone where the flowers go, tell the photographer to shoot this, put on your borrowed shoes, no one dares ask why. Why are you deciding to marry this person, this one specifically, or why marry at all; what you think the right reasons are and why. Most weddings I've attended as a guest I've asked my mind, why they where getting married...what is the point? But never asked out loud...that I remember. Even worse the weddings where everyone won't say it, but they are all betting against you, and in the end they are correct. I've been to more than one of those.

I doubt it's very vain of existence, until I look at you. Look at you, prostrated, from your ten hour day at work, gone the moment you hit the pillow, soundly, but with the sweetness and gentleness your heart expels. I realize I love none more, how could I ever. Knowing that's the face I want to sleep next to every night. The one I crave to be woken up to. I cling on to every breath of his, like a child learning a language. I adore his face, the way it's open, breathing deeply. The softness of his hair when I run my hands threw it, and the gratification I get when I kiss his forehead. It's this I know, I've never felt before, extreme euphoria. A feeling I'd like to hold on to, as long as I possibly can.

How I know it's you, the exception to my mind, to ration, to logic. But still without doubt, no matter what marriage actually is, or what it should be, that I just want to be with you...always; every morning, every night, every moment in-between, for as many moments as you breath.                              

Inferior Vena Cavae

I sat perplexed a few days ago, a little lost in my own world, wondering what exactly love was. Feeling a sort of pity for myself while I wondered if I myself really even knew.

Maybe I still don't. But I came up with an answer today that made me happy. And I realized that's what it's all about.

Love isn't a carved in stone set of rules you must follow. It isn't not fighting everyday. It's not making dinner for someone every night, or tending to their every need. But suppose that's what made you happy, I'd imagine that's what love is for you.

For me it's what I want 5 years from now, where I want my life to be. It's today and doing what I need to do to stay content. It's having someone who you can depend on, someone who loves you unconditionally. What ever I want it to be, it can be, and it is.

I'd imagine you and your partner would have to share some of the things that make you happy to keep each other happy. I guess I am lucky that way.