Sunday, August 5, 2012

Unconditional Love

     I haven't met many other aspies in my life, I don't think most of us have. As much as I would love to have them around all the time to teach me and learn from, I'm just not that lucky. Most of the time I just have to guess what traits I have are just normal social problems, and what is attributed to my Aspergers.

  Unconditional love is very important to me. Not only because that is the only way I love people, but more of an insecure reason. I know I make mistakes, big ones. Mistakes that have cause break ups and friendships ending. I've had people tell me I was being intentionally mean, that I hated people, and I just wanted to see people hurt. 100% the opposite of the truth, I know I have a good heart and have never honestly wanted a person to feel sad, hurt, or upset. I have said things out of anger, but I have never said anything with the intention of hurting them. I don't plot and plan my words and my actions to destroy humanity. I could never actually do anything knowing full well that they would be negatively affected by it.

   That being said, again, I have made mistakes. I also understand that every mistake I make and have made can not be forgiven. In relationships and friendships I am always worried that if and when I make a mistake, like saying something inappropriate, they will give up on trying to love me. I'm worried someone can't just love me for who I am. This haunts me where ever I go. I even try and make the cashier at the grocery store know I'm a good person.

   I have a high tolerance for people, I don't judge if you do or say something taboo. I can take crude and unusual humor. I can do loud boisterous crazy people. In fact, I usually like those people more. I expect that everyone has this tolerance, but reality hits, and I know not everyone does. I don't really ever know what is okay and not okay to say. I don't really think any jokes are out as long as I think it's funny. I have to sit in the right chair at the restaurant, and I only eat at restaurants where I approve the lighting. I don't like loud and crowded places, I don't like hugs, I can't make conversation about things I'm not an expert on. I'm not easy, I'm probably high maintenance to most everyone. That is why someone who can give unconditional love, like I can, is very important to have in my life. Otherwise I'm always worried if what I said is going to change their thoughts about me. If my joke made them think I was a bad person. It takes a toll on the mind.

    That is why I am so glad I've found the people in my life I do have. I have a great best friend, who is a lot like me, but she always has all the answers. She tells me straight out when I just need to shut up, and I know she would tell me if what I said bothered her, and also know she would still love me after. I've also found someone who loves me no matter what crazy mood I'm in that day. Who can live with me and all my weird quirks. I just wanted to take this time to appreciate the amazing people I have in my life, who show me that unconditional love is not only possible, but I can experience it too.