Thursday, February 26, 2015


It's hard to forget the past. More so, hard to forget all the bad things in the past. They continue to haunt us, while the good memories seem to fade away. When a bad moment happens, a tragic experience, or you did something you terribly regret, it sets the stage for fear. Fear you will loose what you have, possibly a social standing, your job, your love. Fear of loss creates sadness, regret, and all fear when stripped is just anger.

Mostly I'm just angry with myself. People do things to hurt me, and I just get angry with myself for being in that situation in the first place. Sometimes I do things out of character I can't even explain, and I ended up feeling like a terrible person. I probably am. I've done many things to create harm to others, I've lost a lot in my life. Keeping a constant in any part of my life isn't easy for me, and it doesn't come naturally. And because of the past, because of the fear, I tend to run away and hide from difficult situations. Or I take hard and stressful situations and make them worse. It's not on purpose, I don't know what makes me the imperfect person I am. I could take a guess but it would just sound like blame, and or passing my responsibility on to something else.

My fear brings a lot of my past into my current life, in my day to day. It causes anxiety, and depression. But it's all under the skin, hidden some where in my mind I can't possibly access. I just feel guilt, guilty for it all, guilty for not being able to control it. Guilty for not being a better person. I could be, better. Why I'm not, I really can't tell you. Maybe it has to do with my lack of sympathizing with others, and just generally not understanding human emotions. I probably let my Aspergers take too much of the blame for my digressions. I should know better, I'm not an idiot after all.

I'm struck with fear, and anger, and sadness, regret, guilt, so I sleep. It's the only thing to make it go away. Because as much as I try to push it all down, cover it with new experiences, I can't ever make it go away. So I sleep