Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Being Let Down

I think for anyone in this world, it's hard to be let down. But I think for people with Aspergers it's 100 times worse. We have already planned you in our day, you fit in-between 7:16 and 8:44, you mess that up and we are already in for an anxiety attack. Second, it's so hard to tell when people are being honest with you. You just have to assume as you live your day to day life, that people are not playing you like a ping pong table. You have to assume that when your father says that he wants to see you for the first time this year, and that he is coming to pick you up at noon, that he will just as sure as the sun came up that day at 7:46, he will be there. But he doesn't show up, and you sit at the window looking for the next 7 hours getting exited at every car that passes by, because it might just be his. You have to assume that when he calls three weeks later, he really was sorry, because you can't tell.

I've always been a stickler on time, I already have a time I need to leave twelve hours before it's time to think about leaving. And yes, I have a time when it's 'time to think about leaving'. I have a time to put on my shoes, and if I'm too quick I have to wait until it's time to grab my keys. And I time how long it takes me to get out of my gate, it's about 85 seconds; but that is when I go over the speed bumps at 17 miles per hour. But that is only after I started the car, and am backing out. If you count the time it takes to lock the door and take the steps to the car it's another 47 seconds, assuming I lock it correctly. Don't mess with my time.

It's been the hardest times in my life when I learn that people who are suppose to be close to me are actually not even trying to be my friend in the first place. Like when you try so hard to be someones friend, and you take weeks and sometimes months learning their facial expressions, and what they like to do, and what seems to make them mad, and they turn around do something so mean to you and say you were never friends in the first place. I hate having girl friends for this.

I melt, I melt so far down, I don't get back up again for a while. It's like you took the very ground I was walking on and shook it like a rug, pulled it out from under me, and created a black hole I fell into when I was falling on my ass. And in that black hole, I'm freaking out; I have no idea how to find myself. I don't know where I am going, and all I can think to do is let that black hole take me.

What is it like for you?

Growing to Love Being You

I love myself, I have enough confidence in myself than most have in a life time. But there are times when it hits me, and it hits me like lava into the ocean. Full force, with all the commotion. That I'm not normal, I may never be able to have friends, lasting friends, friends that 'get me'. I will never be on the inside of the 'social hub', I will never be the cool one who follows the trends. I will always be weird about what lights I buy for my house, and never use my kitchen light because it's fluorescent. I will always wear rings only on certain fingers cause it feels weird on others. I will always be insecure and flustered when I go to the grocery store. In fact, side note, you know those things they put on race horses so the horses don't get distracted or stressed and can only look forward, I need one of those. I will always say "what" even though I heard you I just can't understand you. I will always have to drink to feel like I can say something in a group setting. I will always have to down a bottle of wine to tell you my true feelings, try to get out what I really mean to say. I might always collect owls, even though I know some of it is immature and it's probably not a 'cool' thing to have a million owl decorations in your house. I will always need a 'time out' when I am mad, unless you want me to yell at walls and curse at you and kick doors. [Poor house, I know!]

I feel insecure about these things. And before I knew I had AS, I always felt like a dumb ass for doing these things even though I do find myself a mature person. I always felt horrible about myself for never having friends, and I always thought something was wrong with me. People ask me why I label myself, why I can't just accept how I am without calling it Aspergers. It sounds wrong, but it makes me feel better about who I am. Like I am not just an idiot who needs to be locked in a white room the rest of my life. I consider myself very smart, I have a very high IQ and I just know I'm not stupid. So why do I do these childish things? Without much control, with no regard for other people's feelings, why I always was seen as a 'mean' person when I felt like I had only done my best to be nice.

It's given me a place to be, in comfort. With other people like myself, I don't have to feel so guilty all the time. I can tell myself it's okay that I don't like to be in crowded situations. I can now be comfortable in crowds as long as I have someone really close to me there too. Somethings I can change, now that I know I have Aspergers; other things I can't change, at least I don't disgust myself anymore.

Things get better as you grow older. It makes it easier if you have a support group with you, and people who know the condition and can be open with you about how they feel.