Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Asking For Help Is Hard Enough

If you have Aspergers, you know, just as the sure as you know the world spins round, that it is hard enough to ask for help. But even harder to talk about "feelings". Sometimes I like to pretend I don't even have them.

Close your eyes, take a deep breath. And when your eyes open again, you have no idea what crazy thing you were about to say. Actually, you do have an idea, you know exactly. But the thought of telling someone just what was making you want to pound rocks into diamonds, (because with all of that frustration you feel like you could really do that), makes you want to freeze into an ice cube.

The thought of trying to form an expression of how you feel, impossible. Finding words to match those puzzle pieces NT's call feelings, inconceivable.  Hard enough.

That is why....that is why when you are not heard, it is entirely breaking. I become entirely broken. Don't sit there, and tell me you have any idea you know what I feel. I am who I am because I feel differently from you. I don't say it, and I don't talk about it, but I feel things more. It hurts in a completely new place inside me because I can't say anything about it. I can't tell you what sits and stews in my head.

It's hard enough, and if you think you don't hurt me enough, you did.