Saturday, December 31, 2011

Self Esteem in Aspergers

I really wonder what people think of me the first time they meet me. I suppose it also matters what day you meet me on. If it's a day where I feel easy going, or quite, I'm probably nice. If it's a day that my plans have been altered, and I want nothing more than to get on my pre-planned perfectly timed schedule, I probably seem anxious, and maybe quick to raise my voice. If you catch me on a day where I don't give bother taking the thoughtful time and consideration to tend to your "feelings", I might seem like total bitch. And depending on the day, I'm either proactive and enthusiastic about my Aspergers, or I feel so terrible about my lonely life, I'm in bed, writing on my laptop...much like this day.

I often toss my thoughts around in my brain so much so, that I forget why I riled myself up in the first place. On these days, my blinds don't open and the only things that do are my bathroom door and possibly the fridge, if I can stand myself enough to eat. It's strange though, on the other days out of the year, that I manage to scrape myself off the bed and get some clothes on, I'm usually very content with myself. I feel good about being a social klutz, not giving a care in the world about who thinks my tantrums are childish. But these days, these days I realize that maybe having this condition isn't worth throwing all my relationships and friendships down the shoot. Maybe being able to keep my routines and keep my weird timed days are not worth never having people to share them with. Maybe I don't want my idiosyncratic collection of owls to chase off more than just mice.

I don't have a point so much for writing this blog, I don't have a cure or solution for not being so down on yourself. I don't know what to do on the days where you wish you could trade it all for being "normal" what ever the hell that is. I'm not good at picking myself up, or telling anyone else in this position what the best thing to do is. I guess it's main point is just in hopes that I'm not the only one who feels this. Or maybe someone else, further along in their story has the answers.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

A Guide To Relationships With N/T's (Part One)

Relationships are hard, even when two perfectly compatible people are involved. So being someone with Aspergers, involved with a Neurotypical, is a struggle for both parties. Fortunately, if you and your partner have the love, compassion, and understanding it takes to make it, it can form a beautiful lifetime of happiness.

When a relationship is new, little communication is needed. Everything is easy, everything is fun, and learning about each other is an exiting experience. But learning to share a life with that person, can be very hard. We are known to dislike change, but having a relationship with someone is all change. Though I have had relationships in my life where little change is involved, I have also felt that a lack of love and caring is also present. Any great love, is not an easy face.

It was hard for me to see that my partner, even though an NT, does not always know how I am feeling. And maybe they do not understand your routines, and why you need to do them. For instance, I have a routine for when I am getting ready down to what shoe I put on first, and he tries to be affectionate and "huggy" as I call it, but I refuse this. I did learn that this makes him feel as if I don't care about him. When you explain your routines, why you like to do them, it makes it easier to understand.

I do believe that for NT's, aspies are very hard to understand. It doesn't help that we are stuck in our ways and refuse change, and sometimes even have strong reactions to the person trying to "make" us change. They see that as a sign of you not putting effort into the relationship, so discuss your struggles. It doesn't feel natural to be so open at first, why you are always doing the strange little things you like to do. But the more open you are, the more willing they are to give you time and space for your interests and routines without feeling hurt or ignored.

It's hard to explain yourself when you don't have someone telling you when you need to do so. This is where you have to ask your partner for help. Let them know if there is something they don't understand, or when they are upset with you, it's okay to ask about it. And even when the last thing you want to do is talk about it, do it anyway. Having this outlook has given me a different perspective on my relationship, and it's one that has added years onto a healthy partnership.