Thursday, November 22, 2012

Things You Think You Will Never Say

Sometimes you have everything to say, but no words to say it. That is how I feel. I feel a lot of things right now, like hurt, justified, sad, relieved. I sit wondering if I did the right thing, if my feelings have validity. Or if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.

I'm not sure if it's just my Aspergers, but I need to feel like everyone likes me. But more important to me is family.

I am having the hardest time talking about everything I feel. I don't even know why this effects me as much as it does. There are so many reasons why it won't work, and I'm not deluding myself into thinking it will. I stopped being a kid who falls in love and thinks the the bills will be paid with smiles. As much as my life as not been about religion, it seems to be the large influence on my anxiety levels, on my happiness. How do you tell someone how much it hurts you, when it hurts them more. How you can't live with that always hanging over your head. I stopped being a kid who falls in love thinking they can change someone. So the proof is in the pictures, people don't change. They don't stop everything they believe in so you can date someone. They don't stop wanting you to have their life, not yours. I can't, with sanity, always sit and wonder when they will make you leave. When you just give up the fight, because you will, I don't want to have to be the surrender. Every young person tries to defy the status quo to prove a point, it's just a phase of life. I don't want a battle, I don't want to give a choice; I'm not ready for the outcome.

It's more than how much my feelings are hurt. It's more than being constantly rejected. More than thinking I don't deserve to be put in situations that makes me feel like total shit. A lot of it is about not wanting you to sit through my pain, having to deal with me. That is who I am, I get upset about things like this, and I can't help it. I will always make you feel guilty without even meaning to. I will always be the place between a rock and a hard place. Always be the reason your parents think you are going to hell. I will always feel hated for nothing in my control, and I will always want that control thinking it's all my fault I'm hated. Not only feeling hated by them, but feeling hated by you for feeling the way that I do. The more I get upset, the guiltier I feel, and the guiltier I feel the more upset I become. I eat myself alive with all of the circles I put in my head.

You will never see how badly and to what extent this means to me. I don't want you to, because it would only put you in the middle more. It's not what I want, and yet there is nothing I can do. I have no options, and I'm so unhappy with the way things are. I don't like to be in the way, I will gladly move. I can't be the reason there are problems. I can't be the problem. And it's not fair for you to ask me to be.

Monday, November 5, 2012

The "R" Word

    Today on my drive to work, I did as I always do, listen to 91.5. It was News Hour from the BBC, broadcasting a special about the mentally retarded, autistics, and everything near or around that topic. Apparently in response to some celebrities tweet calling Barack Obama a "retard". The guest star was a young man with down syndrome, and a few callers with children who have Autism. Story set, now on to what I'm writing about.

   I have no problem with the word retarded. I don't say this to offend anyone, I just don't find anything wrong with it, (I will explain why), I even use it myself...sometimes. I have a few points about why I don't think this word is "offensive" or misused. One of them requires an explanation of what one of the mothers said as a guest caller on the radio station. 

   One of the callers said her son had Autism, and didn't specify, it wasn't Aspergers, but a low functioning form. The host of the show asked her, "And your son, does he understand...or should I say feel the hurt behind words being used like this?" her response set me in to a fury. She said that no, he thinks all people are good, so I have to let him know who the "bad" people are. She said there was a neighbor that made a remark about him having Autism, so she had to inform him that he was a bad man, and he couldn't speak to him anymore. She said, every time someone says something negative about his condition, she will let him know why it's so bad, and why he shouldn't like people like that. The host responded, "What does he think about being Autistic?" She replied, "He thinks it's really cool, he thinks it's a good thing." 

   I was shocked. I was even more appalled, that this ignorant lady was offended and associated her son with the word retard. Yes, in the dictionary meaning retard means somewhat not up to par with what is "normal", but for you to sit there and be upset that someone used the word retard to offend someone, only means that you yourself, think your son is a retard. Even from what you said on the radio, your son absolutely does not think he is, and is more than content in believing that this world can be good, without the crazy negative thoughts you fill his head with. I'm ashamed of that lady, for always telling him people are bad. I can't even begin there, it just makes me so angry. The only reason I feel sorry for him, is because he has a mother like that. 

   Another reason I don't feel this word is offensive, is because we (Autistic community) say offensive things all the time. We have all been in the place where we realize maybe we shouldn't have said that because it hurt someone (or everyones) feelings. I'm (having AS) the last person to tell someone they are offensive. I probably offended someone today, maybe while you are reading this. So what, it happens every day. To be mean to a person for something they said, so publicly and with so much anger, is exactly what we don't want happening to us. 

   And the last, I don't believe in being PC, maybe because I have Aspergers, I don't know. I don't want all this negativity around words we can and cannot use. By the time I'm 30 I'm going to have to carry around a book filled with just words I can't use. No thanks. I do want you to know, that no matter what words I use, or how you think I use them I do have a good heart, and never meant any harm. I also believe that the world is good, and we can all learn to hear the meaning of a person before we hear the anger in ourselves. 

Monday, October 8, 2012

Behaviors Dream Board

You know The Secret? Where you post all of your goals and aspirations on a board, and eventually, if you want it enough, everything comes true. Just by the cosmic evolution of humanity.

Well on my drive home tonight, I was thinking maybe, just maybe, if I sat here and typed out all the things I wanted to be in life, someday, somehow it would happen. One wise person once told me, that everything I stress about and have to do, to write it all down and stop letting it kill my brain cells worrying about everything all day. So I took a few minutes, and wrote down everything I had to do, everything that was stressing me out. Once I did that, everything instantly went from my head, to the document, and just like that all the stress fell away.

Now I'm going down this roll, I'm going to post all the things I don't want to be. Hopefully, that will solve my problems of being afraid to be a bad person. So here we go.

I want:
To be unafraid to go out in public and speak with people
To be a loving, caring, compassionate person
To be good at my job
To have the patience to deal with people that frustrate me
To be able to fall asleep at night
To stop yelling at people just because I'm mad
To stop getting mad at people for stupid reasons
To spend more time out doing things than in my bedroom
Somehow make people like me and want to be my friend
Learn how to get to know someone
Gain the confidence I know I have somewhere in me
To be able to communicate with the people I love correctly
To be able to do everything on my own
To solve everyones problems
For everyone to let me solve their problems
To finnish school without panic attacks
To learn to love without conditions

To be able to learn without filters or boundaries
Learn to take criticism

I don't want:
To be selfish the rest of my life
To hurt other people by my selfishness
To be just like my family
To end up alone because no one can deal with me for long
People to hate me
People to feel unloved
People to suffer because of me
People to think I did more bad than good
To go nowhere in life
My children to hate me because I didn't want to learn how to make them happy
To be a bitter old person because I hate what I did with my life
To feel like I wasted any time
People to think I'm someone I'm not
To be a liar
An average life

I'm sure there is more. But I just sat here for an hour and couldn't think of anything else. So maybe I'll be adding more to it later.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Understanding Priorities

  Being told you are the last priority in someones life is always hard. But what if it's the person you live with, the person who is suppose to be there for you the most important times. The person who says they love you till the ends of the earth. But you learn you are only the priority from 8pm to 8:51 instead of the end of the word.

It's a heart shrinking experience. And while you would like to have all the maturity and knowledge in the word to get you through this moment in life, all you have to think about is that you are forever the last priority in their lives. You can give all the hours in the world, give job opportunities, stay up late, wake up early, clean, work, and you would still forever give as many as humanly possible to him.

It's just that, if you are not the one putting yourself first, no one is. This is the world we live in. Where computers are the priority over making someone feel happy for a moment. You are the only one who will put you first in their life. And if you are not the one, if you give that privilege to someone else they might have you come in second or third, or even last. Making the hour between 10:40 and 11:35 time for you in someone else's world, you probably don't have time for someone like that in your world.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Unconditional Love

     I haven't met many other aspies in my life, I don't think most of us have. As much as I would love to have them around all the time to teach me and learn from, I'm just not that lucky. Most of the time I just have to guess what traits I have are just normal social problems, and what is attributed to my Aspergers.

  Unconditional love is very important to me. Not only because that is the only way I love people, but more of an insecure reason. I know I make mistakes, big ones. Mistakes that have cause break ups and friendships ending. I've had people tell me I was being intentionally mean, that I hated people, and I just wanted to see people hurt. 100% the opposite of the truth, I know I have a good heart and have never honestly wanted a person to feel sad, hurt, or upset. I have said things out of anger, but I have never said anything with the intention of hurting them. I don't plot and plan my words and my actions to destroy humanity. I could never actually do anything knowing full well that they would be negatively affected by it.

   That being said, again, I have made mistakes. I also understand that every mistake I make and have made can not be forgiven. In relationships and friendships I am always worried that if and when I make a mistake, like saying something inappropriate, they will give up on trying to love me. I'm worried someone can't just love me for who I am. This haunts me where ever I go. I even try and make the cashier at the grocery store know I'm a good person.

   I have a high tolerance for people, I don't judge if you do or say something taboo. I can take crude and unusual humor. I can do loud boisterous crazy people. In fact, I usually like those people more. I expect that everyone has this tolerance, but reality hits, and I know not everyone does. I don't really ever know what is okay and not okay to say. I don't really think any jokes are out as long as I think it's funny. I have to sit in the right chair at the restaurant, and I only eat at restaurants where I approve the lighting. I don't like loud and crowded places, I don't like hugs, I can't make conversation about things I'm not an expert on. I'm not easy, I'm probably high maintenance to most everyone. That is why someone who can give unconditional love, like I can, is very important to have in my life. Otherwise I'm always worried if what I said is going to change their thoughts about me. If my joke made them think I was a bad person. It takes a toll on the mind.

    That is why I am so glad I've found the people in my life I do have. I have a great best friend, who is a lot like me, but she always has all the answers. She tells me straight out when I just need to shut up, and I know she would tell me if what I said bothered her, and also know she would still love me after. I've also found someone who loves me no matter what crazy mood I'm in that day. Who can live with me and all my weird quirks. I just wanted to take this time to appreciate the amazing people I have in my life, who show me that unconditional love is not only possible, but I can experience it too.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

An Aspie View On Recent Events

First Chick-Fil-A; because it's most current on my mind.

           "I think we are inviting God's judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at Him and say, 'We know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage,' and I pray God's mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant attitude to think that we have the audacity to try to redefine what marriage is about," Dan Cathy Chick-Fil-A President

Opinions are opinions, they are not fact, they are not a figment of an imagination. Everyone has them, few people know others. I respect that I can not change your opinion, I know I can't change your beliefs, and that's okay. When you use religion to be hateful, it only looks bad on you. A public announcement stating you think arrogance is behind your orientation is hateful. Yes, the Mormon church publicly states what they do and do not support all the time. For a company, a national company to state animosity towards a large part of the American people, is just irresponsible. 

We all know there are many in this world who are against gay marriage, yes yes; you made your self very clear, we heard you. But the thing is, most of us don't hate you for feeling that way. How could that be, why? Because we all know how awful it is to feel hated, we empathize. We don't judge you, or call you names, or talk about you like you are the lowest piece of low. We don't have the audacity to think that the ignorance of hate can make us feel any better. 

I don't write this article from hate. I write to help you feel the love we share with everyone. I am not gay, I just stand for people who love all before anything else. Isn't that what the bible is suppose to teach anyways? 

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Asking For Help Is Hard Enough

If you have Aspergers, you know, just as the sure as you know the world spins round, that it is hard enough to ask for help. But even harder to talk about "feelings". Sometimes I like to pretend I don't even have them.

Close your eyes, take a deep breath. And when your eyes open again, you have no idea what crazy thing you were about to say. Actually, you do have an idea, you know exactly. But the thought of telling someone just what was making you want to pound rocks into diamonds, (because with all of that frustration you feel like you could really do that), makes you want to freeze into an ice cube.

The thought of trying to form an expression of how you feel, impossible. Finding words to match those puzzle pieces NT's call feelings, inconceivable.  Hard enough.

That is why....that is why when you are not heard, it is entirely breaking. I become entirely broken. Don't sit there, and tell me you have any idea you know what I feel. I am who I am because I feel differently from you. I don't say it, and I don't talk about it, but I feel things more. It hurts in a completely new place inside me because I can't say anything about it. I can't tell you what sits and stews in my head.

It's hard enough, and if you think you don't hurt me enough, you did.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

What reason do I have?

I have no way of telling you how I feel. So I say everything else just to try and get you to look at me. And I would never tell you I needed you, because there is nothing in me to make me say it. I can't ask for it, because I don't know what to ask for. And I don't know what I want from it, I just know this isn't it. I take a hundred steps back, only thinking that you took a thousand. Because I don't want to be the one so far from the finnish line, I have to make myself look like I'm feeling just as mean as you.  How could I make myself look so foolish to tell you I still want you here, when you are already gone.

I'm so lost running circles, I get so nauseous. I forget which way the door is, and I've no idea how to get out of my head. If you want to spend as little time with me as possible, okay that is fine with me, I will avoid you too. I hate myself, and I drive myself crazy just trying to follow your lines. I just wind up a mess, that I can't put back together again. It will always be this way, and I will always be different from you. This is why it is always better to be alone, then to always be hurting you.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Aspergers and Friends

What an oxymoron that is, Aspergers and friends. I'm going to be cynical when I talk about this, because it's been completely devastating to my life, and I see no way for anything to ever change. Unless a "cure" for social amnesia for Aspergers was found. I do have to say that throughout my life I have been able to keep a few friends, and they are; my mother, my grandmother, my dog Lola, my dog Wilson, and a very distant friendship with a woman almost twice my age. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with those select few people (okay and dogs), and I adore them and love them with all my heart, but my heart feels a loss.

I see people around me, meet people all over. In college I only met and spoke with one person. Whom I went to a small concert with and saw once more after our class together was over. I've always had brief friends, for a month or a few. I've always been too selfish for someone, other than family, to deal with me. I feel bad for it, but really I don't know any other way to communicate with people. In fact, when making friends I discovered that you have to have things in common with them and enjoy the same things; so I'd always over compensate and only ever talk about things they did too, and mostly about myself.

I will always have to accept meeting new people will never come easy to me. I will never have the qualities it takes to keep a friend. And despite my desperate and best efforts, I'll always be the one at home alone. I also don't blame my family for never inviting me places, I'm picky, I'm a hassle, and if something goes wrong in the plans I freak. If I get the wrong chair in the restaurant I want to leave, if it is past a certain time I need to go to the next place or leave, I can't be in places with loud music or strange smells, or if they are too crowded. Why ever would anyone want to take me anywhere?

It's a lonely life indeed. As far as I have ever known, there is no way to change this. It's the only part of myself I wish was different. Or at the very least, that I wasn't so fearful. I wish I didn't care about making an ass out of myself trying to talk to a stranger. I wish I didn't care that I stuttered, and leaped to find words. I would just go out there and just start talking to random people, they would like me and invite me to do things. I would be easy going, and friendly and outgoing, and think of fun things to say and do. That will never be me. That perhaps that is the only reason I want to have a child, someone who is always there smiling, shining light on my day. Even if when they are a teenager they yell they hate me. I have a while to keep them next to me at all times.

I don't know, what are your thoughts?

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

And we are the fourth glass deep

Sometimes you just want to feel like someone gets your feelings. You, for one second, want to think that someone else in this world shares what you feel. It's those moments when you wake up, you know that no matter where you are, or where they are, it will always be a gamble. When you think in that moment that you feel so emotionally entwined with them, you could be theirs forever.

I don't particularly like valentines day, most of the time I don't even know how to spell it. I don't like making a big deal out of it, mostly because I am a girl and I hate when other people make plans (I hate not knowing whats going on). And even when I do take over and make my own plans, because of TONS of other people out for valentines day, I would just rather be at home. So I have never really been one for the movie and dinner night followed or pre-followed with flowers (I don't even like flowers, they die) and chocolate (I am allergic to sugar). I did, however, make myself sugar-free red velvet cupcakes this year.

As, this is how I am, and this is how I stand, I feel in someway in titled to say I am not one of those girls who demands from their loved ones the standard, flowers, chocolate, movie, and expensive dinner. I prefer to pick some place silly and nonchalant.

This year, and the only year I even care to venture out of the house, I pick In-N-Out. Thinking that maybe my crazy aspie ways will buy me credit with him. I don't demand to be taken out to some nice dinner, I really don't care about presents, about any expensive things or even cheep things. We have fun, but I get upset with because I try and be funny. I try and throw ice-cream on him, I laugh. He gets upset. And my even more aspie ways, I try and be even more funny by trying to throw ice on him on the way inside the house.

I realize sooner than later, I could never be appreciated. It's just me who thinks this. I am, and always will be alone. I realize you are too young to really know what is going on. That you have never really known what it's like to be in love. And some day when you do, it won't be me who will reap the love.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Being Let Down

I think for anyone in this world, it's hard to be let down. But I think for people with Aspergers it's 100 times worse. We have already planned you in our day, you fit in-between 7:16 and 8:44, you mess that up and we are already in for an anxiety attack. Second, it's so hard to tell when people are being honest with you. You just have to assume as you live your day to day life, that people are not playing you like a ping pong table. You have to assume that when your father says that he wants to see you for the first time this year, and that he is coming to pick you up at noon, that he will just as sure as the sun came up that day at 7:46, he will be there. But he doesn't show up, and you sit at the window looking for the next 7 hours getting exited at every car that passes by, because it might just be his. You have to assume that when he calls three weeks later, he really was sorry, because you can't tell.

I've always been a stickler on time, I already have a time I need to leave twelve hours before it's time to think about leaving. And yes, I have a time when it's 'time to think about leaving'. I have a time to put on my shoes, and if I'm too quick I have to wait until it's time to grab my keys. And I time how long it takes me to get out of my gate, it's about 85 seconds; but that is when I go over the speed bumps at 17 miles per hour. But that is only after I started the car, and am backing out. If you count the time it takes to lock the door and take the steps to the car it's another 47 seconds, assuming I lock it correctly. Don't mess with my time.

It's been the hardest times in my life when I learn that people who are suppose to be close to me are actually not even trying to be my friend in the first place. Like when you try so hard to be someones friend, and you take weeks and sometimes months learning their facial expressions, and what they like to do, and what seems to make them mad, and they turn around do something so mean to you and say you were never friends in the first place. I hate having girl friends for this.

I melt, I melt so far down, I don't get back up again for a while. It's like you took the very ground I was walking on and shook it like a rug, pulled it out from under me, and created a black hole I fell into when I was falling on my ass. And in that black hole, I'm freaking out; I have no idea how to find myself. I don't know where I am going, and all I can think to do is let that black hole take me.

What is it like for you?

Growing to Love Being You

I love myself, I have enough confidence in myself than most have in a life time. But there are times when it hits me, and it hits me like lava into the ocean. Full force, with all the commotion. That I'm not normal, I may never be able to have friends, lasting friends, friends that 'get me'. I will never be on the inside of the 'social hub', I will never be the cool one who follows the trends. I will always be weird about what lights I buy for my house, and never use my kitchen light because it's fluorescent. I will always wear rings only on certain fingers cause it feels weird on others. I will always be insecure and flustered when I go to the grocery store. In fact, side note, you know those things they put on race horses so the horses don't get distracted or stressed and can only look forward, I need one of those. I will always say "what" even though I heard you I just can't understand you. I will always have to drink to feel like I can say something in a group setting. I will always have to down a bottle of wine to tell you my true feelings, try to get out what I really mean to say. I might always collect owls, even though I know some of it is immature and it's probably not a 'cool' thing to have a million owl decorations in your house. I will always need a 'time out' when I am mad, unless you want me to yell at walls and curse at you and kick doors. [Poor house, I know!]

I feel insecure about these things. And before I knew I had AS, I always felt like a dumb ass for doing these things even though I do find myself a mature person. I always felt horrible about myself for never having friends, and I always thought something was wrong with me. People ask me why I label myself, why I can't just accept how I am without calling it Aspergers. It sounds wrong, but it makes me feel better about who I am. Like I am not just an idiot who needs to be locked in a white room the rest of my life. I consider myself very smart, I have a very high IQ and I just know I'm not stupid. So why do I do these childish things? Without much control, with no regard for other people's feelings, why I always was seen as a 'mean' person when I felt like I had only done my best to be nice.

It's given me a place to be, in comfort. With other people like myself, I don't have to feel so guilty all the time. I can tell myself it's okay that I don't like to be in crowded situations. I can now be comfortable in crowds as long as I have someone really close to me there too. Somethings I can change, now that I know I have Aspergers; other things I can't change, at least I don't disgust myself anymore.

Things get better as you grow older. It makes it easier if you have a support group with you, and people who know the condition and can be open with you about how they feel.