Saturday, February 25, 2012

What reason do I have?

I have no way of telling you how I feel. So I say everything else just to try and get you to look at me. And I would never tell you I needed you, because there is nothing in me to make me say it. I can't ask for it, because I don't know what to ask for. And I don't know what I want from it, I just know this isn't it. I take a hundred steps back, only thinking that you took a thousand. Because I don't want to be the one so far from the finnish line, I have to make myself look like I'm feeling just as mean as you.  How could I make myself look so foolish to tell you I still want you here, when you are already gone.

I'm so lost running circles, I get so nauseous. I forget which way the door is, and I've no idea how to get out of my head. If you want to spend as little time with me as possible, okay that is fine with me, I will avoid you too. I hate myself, and I drive myself crazy just trying to follow your lines. I just wind up a mess, that I can't put back together again. It will always be this way, and I will always be different from you. This is why it is always better to be alone, then to always be hurting you.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Aspergers and Friends

What an oxymoron that is, Aspergers and friends. I'm going to be cynical when I talk about this, because it's been completely devastating to my life, and I see no way for anything to ever change. Unless a "cure" for social amnesia for Aspergers was found. I do have to say that throughout my life I have been able to keep a few friends, and they are; my mother, my grandmother, my dog Lola, my dog Wilson, and a very distant friendship with a woman almost twice my age. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with those select few people (okay and dogs), and I adore them and love them with all my heart, but my heart feels a loss.

I see people around me, meet people all over. In college I only met and spoke with one person. Whom I went to a small concert with and saw once more after our class together was over. I've always had brief friends, for a month or a few. I've always been too selfish for someone, other than family, to deal with me. I feel bad for it, but really I don't know any other way to communicate with people. In fact, when making friends I discovered that you have to have things in common with them and enjoy the same things; so I'd always over compensate and only ever talk about things they did too, and mostly about myself.

I will always have to accept meeting new people will never come easy to me. I will never have the qualities it takes to keep a friend. And despite my desperate and best efforts, I'll always be the one at home alone. I also don't blame my family for never inviting me places, I'm picky, I'm a hassle, and if something goes wrong in the plans I freak. If I get the wrong chair in the restaurant I want to leave, if it is past a certain time I need to go to the next place or leave, I can't be in places with loud music or strange smells, or if they are too crowded. Why ever would anyone want to take me anywhere?

It's a lonely life indeed. As far as I have ever known, there is no way to change this. It's the only part of myself I wish was different. Or at the very least, that I wasn't so fearful. I wish I didn't care about making an ass out of myself trying to talk to a stranger. I wish I didn't care that I stuttered, and leaped to find words. I would just go out there and just start talking to random people, they would like me and invite me to do things. I would be easy going, and friendly and outgoing, and think of fun things to say and do. That will never be me. That perhaps that is the only reason I want to have a child, someone who is always there smiling, shining light on my day. Even if when they are a teenager they yell they hate me. I have a while to keep them next to me at all times.

I don't know, what are your thoughts?

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

And we are the fourth glass deep

Sometimes you just want to feel like someone gets your feelings. You, for one second, want to think that someone else in this world shares what you feel. It's those moments when you wake up, you know that no matter where you are, or where they are, it will always be a gamble. When you think in that moment that you feel so emotionally entwined with them, you could be theirs forever.

I don't particularly like valentines day, most of the time I don't even know how to spell it. I don't like making a big deal out of it, mostly because I am a girl and I hate when other people make plans (I hate not knowing whats going on). And even when I do take over and make my own plans, because of TONS of other people out for valentines day, I would just rather be at home. So I have never really been one for the movie and dinner night followed or pre-followed with flowers (I don't even like flowers, they die) and chocolate (I am allergic to sugar). I did, however, make myself sugar-free red velvet cupcakes this year.

As, this is how I am, and this is how I stand, I feel in someway in titled to say I am not one of those girls who demands from their loved ones the standard, flowers, chocolate, movie, and expensive dinner. I prefer to pick some place silly and nonchalant.

This year, and the only year I even care to venture out of the house, I pick In-N-Out. Thinking that maybe my crazy aspie ways will buy me credit with him. I don't demand to be taken out to some nice dinner, I really don't care about presents, about any expensive things or even cheep things. We have fun, but I get upset with because I try and be funny. I try and throw ice-cream on him, I laugh. He gets upset. And my even more aspie ways, I try and be even more funny by trying to throw ice on him on the way inside the house.

I realize sooner than later, I could never be appreciated. It's just me who thinks this. I am, and always will be alone. I realize you are too young to really know what is going on. That you have never really known what it's like to be in love. And some day when you do, it won't be me who will reap the love.