Aspergers and Friends

What an oxymoron that is, Aspergers and friends. I'm going to be cynical when I talk about this, because it's been completely devastating to my life, and I see no way for anything to ever change. Unless a "cure" for social amnesia for Aspergers was found. I do have to say that throughout my life I have been able to keep a few friends, and they are; my mother, my grandmother, my dog Lola, my dog Wilson, and a very distant friendship with a woman almost twice my age. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with those select few people (okay and dogs), and I adore them and love them with all my heart, but my heart feels a loss.

I see people around me, meet people all over. In college I only met and spoke with one person. Whom I went to a small concert with and saw once more after our class together was over. I've always had brief friends, for a month or a few. I've always been too selfish for someone, other than family, to deal with me. I feel bad for it, but really I don't know any other way to communicate with people. In fact, when making friends I discovered that you have to have things in common with them and enjoy the same things; so I'd always over compensate and only ever talk about things they did too, and mostly about myself.

I will always have to accept meeting new people will never come easy to me. I will never have the qualities it takes to keep a friend. And despite my desperate and best efforts, I'll always be the one at home alone. I also don't blame my family for never inviting me places, I'm picky, I'm a hassle, and if something goes wrong in the plans I freak. If I get the wrong chair in the restaurant I want to leave, if it is past a certain time I need to go to the next place or leave, I can't be in places with loud music or strange smells, or if they are too crowded. Why ever would anyone want to take me anywhere?

It's a lonely life indeed. As far as I have ever known, there is no way to change this. It's the only part of myself I wish was different. Or at the very least, that I wasn't so fearful. I wish I didn't care about making an ass out of myself trying to talk to a stranger. I wish I didn't care that I stuttered, and leaped to find words. I would just go out there and just start talking to random people, they would like me and invite me to do things. I would be easy going, and friendly and outgoing, and think of fun things to say and do. That will never be me. That perhaps that is the only reason I want to have a child, someone who is always there smiling, shining light on my day. Even if when they are a teenager they yell they hate me. I have a while to keep them next to me at all times.

I don't know, what are your thoughts?