Thursday, November 22, 2012

Things You Think You Will Never Say

Sometimes you have everything to say, but no words to say it. That is how I feel. I feel a lot of things right now, like hurt, justified, sad, relieved. I sit wondering if I did the right thing, if my feelings have validity. Or if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.


I'm not sure if it's just my Aspergers, but I need to feel like everyone likes me. But more important to me is family.


I am having the hardest time talking about everything I feel. I don't even know why this effects me as much as it does. There are so many reasons why it won't work, and I'm not deluding myself into thinking it will. I stopped being a kid who falls in love and thinks the the bills will be paid with smiles. As much as my life as not been about religion, it seems to be the large influence on my anxiety levels, on my happiness. How do you tell someone how much it hurts you, when it hurts them more. How you can't live with that always hanging over your head. I stopped being a kid who falls in love thinking they can change someone. So the proof is in the pictures, people don't change. They don't stop everything they believe in so you can date someone. They don't stop wanting you to have their life, not yours. I can't, with sanity, always sit and wonder when they will make you leave. When you just give up the fight, because you will, I don't want to have to be the surrender. Every young person tries to defy the status quo to prove a point, it's just a phase of life. I don't want a battle, I don't want to give a choice; I'm not ready for the outcome.

It's more than how much my feelings are hurt. It's more than being constantly rejected. More than thinking I don't deserve to be put in situations that makes me feel like total shit. A lot of it is about not wanting you to sit through my pain, having to deal with me. That is who I am, I get upset about things like this, and I can't help it. I will always make you feel guilty without even meaning to. I will always be the place between a rock and a hard place. Always be the reason your parents think you are going to hell. I will always feel hated for nothing in my control, and I will always want that control thinking it's all my fault I'm hated. Not only feeling hated by them, but feeling hated by you for feeling the way that I do. The more I get upset, the guiltier I feel, and the guiltier I feel the more upset I become. I eat myself alive with all of the circles I put in my head.

You will never see how badly and to what extent this means to me. I don't want you to, because it would only put you in the middle more. It's not what I want, and yet there is nothing I can do. I have no options, and I'm so unhappy with the way things are. I don't like to be in the way, I will gladly move. I can't be the reason there are problems. I can't be the problem. And it's not fair for you to ask me to be.

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