Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Growing to Love Being You

I love myself, I have enough confidence in myself than most have in a life time. But there are times when it hits me, and it hits me like lava into the ocean. Full force, with all the commotion. That I'm not normal, I may never be able to have friends, lasting friends, friends that 'get me'. I will never be on the inside of the 'social hub', I will never be the cool one who follows the trends. I will always be weird about what lights I buy for my house, and never use my kitchen light because it's fluorescent. I will always wear rings only on certain fingers cause it feels weird on others. I will always be insecure and flustered when I go to the grocery store. In fact, side note, you know those things they put on race horses so the horses don't get distracted or stressed and can only look forward, I need one of those. I will always say "what" even though I heard you I just can't understand you. I will always have to drink to feel like I can say something in a group setting. I will always have to down a bottle of wine to tell you my true feelings, try to get out what I really mean to say. I might always collect owls, even though I know some of it is immature and it's probably not a 'cool' thing to have a million owl decorations in your house. I will always need a 'time out' when I am mad, unless you want me to yell at walls and curse at you and kick doors. [Poor house, I know!]


I feel insecure about these things. And before I knew I had AS, I always felt like a dumb ass for doing these things even though I do find myself a mature person. I always felt horrible about myself for never having friends, and I always thought something was wrong with me. People ask me why I label myself, why I can't just accept how I am without calling it Aspergers. It sounds wrong, but it makes me feel better about who I am. Like I am not just an idiot who needs to be locked in a white room the rest of my life. I consider myself very smart, I have a very high IQ and I just know I'm not stupid. So why do I do these childish things? Without much control, with no regard for other people's feelings, why I always was seen as a 'mean' person when I felt like I had only done my best to be nice.

It's given me a place to be, in comfort. With other people like myself, I don't have to feel so guilty all the time. I can tell myself it's okay that I don't like to be in crowded situations. I can now be comfortable in crowds as long as I have someone really close to me there too. Somethings I can change, now that I know I have Aspergers; other things I can't change, at least I don't disgust myself anymore.

Things get better as you grow older. It makes it easier if you have a support group with you, and people who know the condition and can be open with you about how they feel.

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