Self Esteem in Aspergers

I really wonder what people think of me the first time they meet me. I suppose it also matters what day you meet me on. If it's a day where I feel easy going, or quite, I'm probably nice. If it's a day that my plans have been altered, and I want nothing more than to get on my pre-planned perfectly timed schedule, I probably seem anxious, and maybe quick to raise my voice. If you catch me on a day where I don't give a....to bother taking the thoughtful time and consideration to tend to your "feelings", I might seem like total bitch. And depending on the day, I'm either proactive and enthusiastic about my Aspergers, or I feel so terrible about my lonely life, I'm in bed, writing on my laptop...much like this day.

I often toss my thoughts around in my brain so much so, that I forget why I riled myself up in the first place. On these days, my blinds don't open and the only things that do are my bathroom door and possibly the fridge, if I can stand myself enough to eat. It's strange though, on the other days out of the year, that I manage to scrape myself off the bed and get some clothes on, I'm usually very content with myself. I feel good about being a social klutz, not giving a care in the world about who thinks my tantrums are childish. But these days, these days I realize that maybe having this condition isn't worth throwing all my relationships and friendships down the shoot. Maybe being able to keep my routines and keep my weird timed days are not worth never having people to share them with. Maybe I don't want my idiosyncratic collection of owls to chase off more than just mice.

I don't have a point so much for writing this blog, I don't have a cure or solution for not being so down on yourself. I don't know what to do on the days where you wish you could trade it all for being "normal" what ever the hell that is. I'm not good at picking myself up, or telling anyone else in this position what the best thing to do is. I guess it's main point is just in hopes that I'm not the only one who feels this. Or maybe someone else, further along in their story has the answers.