Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Asking For Help Is Hard Enough

If you have Aspergers, you know, just as the sure as you know the world spins round, that it is hard enough to ask for help. But even harder to talk about "feelings". Sometimes I like to pretend I don't even have them.

Close your eyes, take a deep breath. And when your eyes open again, you have no idea what crazy thing you were about to say. Actually, you do have an idea, you know exactly. But the thought of telling someone just what was making you want to pound rocks into diamonds, (because with all of that frustration you feel like you could really do that), makes you want to freeze into an ice cube.

The thought of trying to form an expression of how you feel, impossible. Finding words to match those puzzle pieces NT's call feelings, inconceivable.  Hard enough.

That is why....that is why when you are not heard, it is entirely breaking. I become entirely broken. Don't sit there, and tell me you have any idea you know what I feel. I am who I am because I feel differently from you. I don't say it, and I don't talk about it, but I feel things more. It hurts in a completely new place inside me because I can't say anything about it. I can't tell you what sits and stews in my head.

It's hard enough, and if you think you don't hurt me enough, you did.

6 comments:

  1. Turmoil is our life. We are destined to negotiate unmapped minefields of emotions and there will always be damage of a collateral nature.

    James Wilson

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  2. The worst hurt I experience in association with feelings is when it appears someone is deliberately misinterpreting what I'm about, what I've said. I know: emotions are difficult enough to manage without being manipulated, coping with duplicity from 'NT' others.. and it does hurt to ask. When a person who can help through understanding stubbornly clings to their own precious but entirely wrong ideas about Where I'm Coming From and attempts to "define" me or accuses me of having thoughts in my head that were never there.. that's fuel for a meltdown.

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    1. I know exactly what you are talking about. It is very hard for me to wrap my head around situations like that. Manipulation, for me, is something I can't even begin to understand; it's like me having to imagine something I have never seen, felt, or experienced before. I do find, mostly, that the people who do this are younger girls, (and or grown women that act like girls). Which is why the only "girl" friends I have are in their late 30's (I'm 21) or my family to specifically avoid these situations because they are very stressful for me. Sometimes when this happens, I just shut down. But it's nice to know that I'm not alone in this. :)

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  3. I feel the same as a middle aged man. There a lot of lousy people out there who are ignorant because they are selfish prats. Manipulation is for people who are good at lying because they don't give a damn about the truth. That is my point of view.

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  4. There is a Book entitled "Emotional Unavailability" written by Bryn C. Collins that I believe is important for We Aspies to read. NOT because it is specifically about AS, but because it informs the reader about problems we often face, like understanding what Boundaries are and identifying when others who are not On The Spectrum do not understand (or don't want to respect) the boundaries we must learn to set for ourselves -- and then do our very best to maintain.

    This book DOES cover a lot of ground about feelings, which are often difficult for us to sort through and express. An Aspie with high Empathy (yes, we do exist) often experiences feelings as painful.

    When I've made the mistake of opening up to or asking help from someone who is a fraud and/or predatory personality and this becomes obvious to me, these are the times when some very bad meltdowns occur and trust is often very hard to repair.

    While we might ask for help and may be rejected and feel that this is cold and unjust, it's important to see our own strengths and where we might need to work to improve. Don't underestimate yourself!

    Sometimes it is the WAY we ask for help, expecting the other person to be able to read our minds when our own thoughts can often be too chaotic to manage. And yes, there are self-centered people and some of them are lousy and even horrifying human beings. Others don't know any better and still others have been wounded in some way we don't and might never understand. It is important NOT to see others, or ourselves, in terms of black and white.

    We are not helpless and we do not have to be victims, unless we don't know what behaviors to be cautious or aware of in ourselves and in others. First, we need to get past the fear of asking for help.

    What HAS helped me: be prepared for the answer to your request for help to be "No" and then be pleasantly surprised when someone says "Yes". Everyone has a right to say "No", even when their reasons are purely self-centered.

    When we are able to define precisely what help we need (and perhaps offer to do something useful in exchange for that help) and say what we intend to do with the help we're given, people will often feel more secure about giving help. This is NOT manipulation, as long as you are telling the truth and do your very best to follow through with what you've promised, come hell or high water.

    Do NOT accept help on the basis of returning a "favor" in some way that goes against your morality or will in any way negatively impact your self-esteem. Asking for help is NOT the same thing as having low self-esteem. There is no reason to feel ashamed because you are in the position or asking and others are in the position of giving. This does not make any of us a "lesser person".

    You've written about the difficulties you have expressing feeling(s) quite succinctly and, as another Aspie, I have no problem understanding this difficulty or how it effects you. I've found that by writing about feelings, I can more easily speak them to others.

    Yes, it is harder for us. But I, for one, will not walk around with FRAGILE stickers pasted on me so others are forewarned that I can be broken. I've BEEN broken and have unintentionally hurt others whose vulnerabilities were not obvious to me, when I was in pain.

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    1. I know it's been a while for my response. But honestly when I read it the first time it hit me so hard I didn't know how to respond back. But I know if I said such inspirational words, I would feel unappreciated if I never saw anything back. So I wanted to let you know you are right, and thank you for your response. Your words have much value to me and my life.

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