Thursday, September 25, 2014

It's september

I was feeling tired. I was feeling under appreciated. And while I looked back at the start of our relationship, I see how much effort was put into it. How he picked me up on our first date, how we talked for hours, and laughed about every thing. How he texted me just to tell me nice things, things that made my day. How he made me feel like no one else in the world. How he brought me flowers, and surprised me constantly.

Every day I wake up, I want to do something for him, something to make his day. Something as simple as reaching out my had to pour more whisky. Making sure dinner is ready when he is home. Sending him notes at work. Making sure I have enough money to cover the bills. The list doesn't end, and it lengthens every day.

I don't feel compensated. Although I know I shouldn't be looking for it. But when you feel like your on a ship and only one side has all the cargo, when you are walking up to the other side and keep slipping down, down to all the weight the ship holds.

It's easy, in a way, to claim to feel unloved, knowing that isn't the case. Can I logically say I don't feel swept off my feet? Yes. Do I feel like I create these problems in my head, making them seem worse than they really are. My boat is not, in fact, sinking. Do I feel things could be done to make the situation a tad better? Of course.

When everything is perfect, and there are no surprises, and you are perfectly content having it be this way forever and always...and then it's not. You had promised you wouldn't change, but maybe the person I fell in love with, wasn't even you at all.

Today isn't a good day, feelings wise, for me. I'm lost and a little confused by my own thoughts and feelings. I want to feel comforted and consoled, and I'm not finding that.


  1. Reading your post, felt as if you were expressing what is going on in my heart. How are things now?

  2. Reading your post, felt as if you were expressing what is going on in my heart. How are things now?

    1. At first this might not sound like it will help, but we got married in May and I left him two months later. He was unfaithful. When it doesn't feel right, it's not. Don't be afraid to walk away to spare your happiness. Am I happier right now? In a way. I'm not stuck feeling alone when I wasn't actually alone. Now I'm alone because I want it that way.